I wrote a post recently about the side effects of being impatient, but I want to become completely vulnerable about it. One of my major flaws is being impatient. Especially in this time right now where I am not seeing a lot of fruit in anything that I’m doing. I have grown in certain areas but I find myself struggling to find patience in: saving for a house, saving up money for an illustrator and publishing our books, seeing growth and interactions through social media or wanting to update old things in my house.
When I read this list, it makes me cringe. I realize how immature I really am and that I need a lot of grace. My impatience has come to the point where I have tested my husband’s patience by talking over and over about the situations. As if talking about it would magically make the situations change. Well God doesn’t work that way and sometimes he uses the people closest to you to put you in your place.
When Ben and I were walking one evening, I went on a rant on why I should have things and our time together wasn’t pleasant. Ben had enough of my attitude and said “you know what, I don’t think you will ever get what you want until you learn how to be patient.” Those words hurt more than childbirth because I so badly want to impact people lives, build a beautiful homestead and ultimately fulfill all that God has been speaking over my life and I want to do it NOW! But God won’t give me success now or a house or any of the bigger desires of my heart until I fix my attitude. The root of the issue is a “I/Me” thing and that I can not properly move forward until I change my attitude. To many times I say things like:
I should have this….I should be thin…I shouldn’t have to work so hard…..I should be confident…I should have a beautiful house….WHY does life have to be so hard for ME? ME, ME, ME, and I!
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others,it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails…..” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
God says that love is patient and kind and I can’t be those things if I’m selfish and impatient. I mean really who am I to deserve all these things? I am a nobody and people can see right through me. I haven’t worked hard nor put the time and effort in. But it still is hard to see people who become successful with little to no work. When a farmer goes to plant his crop he doesn’t think oh I’ll just plant it and expect things to grow quickly or even right. He tills at the earth to get it ready knowing that it will take time and effort. It’s a grueling long process even having machines to help him. It’s time consuming but diligently, and with patience, the farmer plants the crop knowing the fruit it will bear in time.
To often, I focus on the end results of a task because I’m a visionary. I am able to see the end results, which is great, but God cares more about how I react, and how my attitude is along the way. I’m in that hard place of tilling my flower bed. I have a ways to go before my seeds of patience root in, but I’m not going to give up till I am free from being impatient. It sucks and it feels like I’m digging out boulders, but I have to do it without any of the things I want or may never get. The most important thing to God is my heart, not the things I could potentially get. And although I really want those things, I want God more and I’ll do what it takes to become patient.