When I became pregnant, I started to dream of the family I was about to have. However, I did not expect the physical and emotional pain that was involved with being pregnant. In the past I’ve tried to write about this but it has come out bitter and resentful. Now that I am 9 months postpartum with baby #2, I’m starting to feel a bit more comfortable with how to explain myself. About 3 years ago I prayed that God would root out anything bad in me. I didn’t realize that this prayer was signing me up for Jesus boot camp 707 nor did I expect him to teach me so intently throughout my pregnancies.
In my pregnancies, I dealt with hyperemesis gravidarum, something I would never wish upon my worst enemy. No amount of ginger, peppermint tea or nausea medication could take away or easy the pain of this condition. My first pregnancy was difficult to manage so much that it landed me in the hospital on five separate occasions to receive IV fluids. When I realized that I was 22 weeks, and still sick day and night, I knew this was going to be with me for the remainder of the pregnancy. A lot of people could not understand my “sickness” when I tried to explain what I was going through. Some people even thought I was overreacting. I’ve have to give them grace for they don’t know. Each pregnancy is different and forming a baby and sometimes becoming pregnant are hard things to do because each woman is uniquely different. Furthermore, I have had to do a lot of forgiving and repenting as well. I have had moments of bitterness towards family members and resentment to people who were involved with the birthing process. But even though this time was hard, I had a lot of positive outcomes happen in addition to forming a baby. I was able to read the entire bible, find support through community, and place trust in God even though I did not know the outcome. I know it sounds crazy but I am thankful for this trial and tribulation. I did not like feeling like I had the flu every day nor did I like vomiting every 5 min for hours straight….And no I’m not making this up and some people have it worse than I did. This trial has helped shape me into the woman I am today. It’s taught me how to stand firm with others, to persevere through hard situations, and to rely on God and others to help me through. At the time though I _____H A T E D_____ it. I wanted to get out of it, or as far away from it as I could. Obviously, I couldn’t because I was pregnant. Throughout the pregnancy the Lord kept giving me the verse, 2 Corinthians 12:9. I’d ask him “Lord, help me, get me out of this, don’t you care for me??” and each time he said my grace…
“My grace is sufficient…”
“No Lord I don’t want to feel pain. Isn’t it bad enough my life has been a horror show and now this?? Why can’t anything come easy for me???”
“Sweet girl, my grace is sufficient…I love you surrender this to me.”
In this season, I cried everyday, and hated God for this burden he put on me. At the time I believed It was his fault why I felt this way. Now I look back and see parts of what God was doing. But it was hard. It was hard having my husband be the only emotional support and family to help me. Our friends were amazing but I still felt alone. In addition, I felt so misunderstood because so many other moms in my family and sphere of life had great pregnancies. No one understood me. When it was time to give birth everything I had originally planned fell through. My water broke, nothing happened. I went to the hospital, when I wanted a home birth. Decided to get pain meds, but the first pain meds made me feel loopy and sick. Decided to get the epidural, but the epidural didn’t work at all and I was puking, dehydrated, and super hungry. After 36 hours of labor, I started to get a fever and decided to get a c-section. I had enough with all the pain. My heart sank as I made that decision and knew I wasn’t going to be able to birth him naturally. Jediah thankfully wasn’t showing any signs of distress throughout this process.
When they went to make the incision I felt everything. They gave me a few other options to help easy the pain but I opted for complete sedation; a decision I wasn’t prepared for. It took me 6 hours to wake back up and because of so much blood loss I received a blood transfusion. I don’t know if you realize this by now but I’m a sensitive person who takes things, words, and actions to heart. So when I couldn’t hold my sweet newborn boy when he first came out, hear his first cry, place him on my chest or feed him it broke my heart. My sons though are not formed out of sadness, hate or anger. They are born into a home that ______LOVES_____them dearly. I spent the 9 months they were in my womb praying that they would be protected from my cry’s, the sadness and the pain I felt. My first born son is JOYOUS. He is strong willed, which if you didn’t know means stubborn, joyful, loving, and bold. He knows how to make people feel loved and cared for and he’s 2.5 years old. In my second pregnancy, my heart changed and I was able to manage my pregnancy better. I told God “whatever be your will, please help my heart to not complain and to remain joyous through this pregnancy.” My second pregnancy was 100X better than the first but I was still sick most days. I do believe I felt better because I surrendered it to God. But once again my birth plan didn’t fully happen the way I wanted it too. I didn’t get to have my child placed on my chest after he came out. Oliver actually had to go to the NICU due to some lung issues. He stayed there for what could have been a million years in my head. In the end, yes I have two wonderful amazing boys. They are healthy and amazing kids. Oliver is so sweet and loves music. He is Cuddle bug too! My kids are my blessings but it was a journey getting them here.
So to wrap this up, I’m still learning what 2 Corinthians 12:9 means and I’m still trying to process everything that has happened the last few years. I know that I can relinquish control of hard situations to God freely. I know that in hard places I will survive and endure through the trial, I know I’m not alone and that God has everything happen for His reason. These years have landed me with two wonderful boys that I cherish. It took so much to get them here that I unconditionally love and want the best for them. I will never hold the sickness, or the pain of the pregnancies over their innocent heads. And because of those pregnancies I have learned so much about life and hardship and who God is. I know this story has more meaning to it and maybe God will reveal that to me when I reach heaven but for now this is what I’m able to share/comprehend. Thanks y’all for reading and I hope y’all will let me know your thoughts in the comments below.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.2 Corinthians 12:9
- A Moment In The BathroomYou know a lot of my moments with God don’t happen on some magical mountain top. They happen in the four walls of my home on the bathroom toilet. I don’t know if it’s just a vulnerable moment or what […]
- Saying GoodbyeI sat on the couch watching my two blessings run about the house climbing into boxes and maybe pulling things apart. I’m not bothered at what they are doing and start to see them as a movie before my eyes. […]
- Meeting God At The DentistThe other day I brought my youngest kiddo to the dentist. When I was on my way to the dentist I took the wrong turn and had to go the long way around. This wasn’t all bad as it gave […]
- The Idol To Feel BetterThis morning at church I broke down in tears. Feeling very convicted by the Holy Spirit and comforted that it was okay to want to be better but not to desire it more than God. To not make it an […]
- Room TransformationOkay so we have been living in our home for about 1.5 years and I think we finally decided what we want to do in the spare bed room. My husband and I were not able to renovate the room […]