Growing up in Ithaca NY I always had a lot to do. From the beautiful landscapes to festivals to the town life and historic towns…I always had something to do. My life was filled with beautiful things but I always felt empty. I walked around as a empty shell wishing for more and longing for the day I could do something big…be someone big.
I used to work at a movie theater were I was content but I was empty. I would tell myself “just work another day, gain an extra dollar just to get through and then one day you’ll make it to the top.” But the top never came and life persisted to be lifeless. I met my husband at the theater and when he asked me to move to Texas I was hesitant to go. I eventually threw in the towel and decided to move down with him. I figured the worst thing that would happen is I would have to move back up north.
Well, I ended up marrying him and started a life here in Waco tx. But here’s the thing, besides magnolia market, there isn’t a lot for this nature loving, outdoors girl to do. Sure it has some beautiful features and I love the city with all my heart but I have nothing to do. There have been many great memories here and moments I cherish but I often find myself wondering what in tarnations am I doing here..or ask God why do you have us here?? There are a lot of positives from being here such as Ben and I have found God, friendship, have had our babies here and I continue to heal of past wounds…I do believe Its here in the nothing that I have found something though. But I will not sugar coat this, it’s painful. There are days I still feel meaningless and I dislike being in this place of stillness where the water doesn’t flow. I dislike feeling like a puddle that will one day dry up and be nothing but mist in the air. But that is the reality of life. We ARE but only here for a short moment and I know that God would want me to spend the rest of my life healed, seeking his healing touch instead of masking life’s demands. I feel like being called to the place of nothing isn’t all for nothing but for my good. Whether I like this place or not I’m here and I’m learning how to be thankful and grateful for what I have. I realize I have grown so much from the girl I once was, and the past hurt that used to overtake me with anxiety.
It’s because I’m in the place of nothing that I’m able to focus on God and all of who God is. To realize that life was a gift to cherish. Because in the nothing we see our hearts clearly and it fixes our eyes on him.